“I Had to Do This”: Ellen Smith on Adoption, Surrogacy, and the Power of Family

Ellen Smith is a mother, adoptee, surrogate, and podcast host who has dedicated much of her life to helping others grow their families. In this interview, Ellen shares how her own adoption shaped her, what it was like to carry triplets as a surrogate, and how her daughter’s interest in surrogacy sparked the creation of their podcast, Stop.Sit.Surrogate.

Q: Can you tell us about your surrogacy journeys?

A: I carried a single baby for the first journey, then triplets, and finally twins: all three for gay couples. I did them in 2000, 2001 and 2005. So, basically, in a span of 5 years I did three surrogacies to help create other families, which was a lot. I didn't really realize we were going that fast, but I was older when I started, so I wanted to get as many in as I could. Back then, things were so different. There wasn’t a lot of information or support. Everything was in-person, and only a few agencies worked with same-sex couples.

The triplets were a tough one. The agency really pressured us to reduce the pregnancy, but we said no. We talked to a great doctor at UCI who reassured us we could do it safely. I carried all three to 32 weeks. They’re all in college now!

Q: How did you first get interested in becoming a surrogate?

A: Being adopted had a huge impact. I found out when I was 8. My parents sat me down on our green couch and told me, and I just said, “Can I go play?” They were my parents. That's the only parents I knew. I had a whole extended family from that. I had a brother. I had a sister. We were all adopted from different families. None of us are related. Growing up I didn’t look anything like my family: I had these bright blue eyes and dark hair. That's the family I knew. Around middle school, when I was trying to figure out my identity, I started to wonder why I looked like this, but it was never really an issue. It didn’t really sink in until I had my own kids. When I had my son, I looked at him and went, "My god, that's my nose." It was just this light bulb and I was like, " I have to do this."

Before I married my current husband, I told him, “I need to do this. It’s called surrogacy. And once we’re done having kids, I have to do it.” Five years later, our family was complete, and I brought it up again—but he wasn’t on board. I hate to say it, but it almost caused us to separate. It was that important to me to allow somebody who wanted a biological child to have one.

Q: Tell us about your reunion with your birth mother.

A: Yeah, it was crazy. The Internet wasn't really big back then. I got a letter at work from the Social Security office with all of my names on it: my first married name and my second married name. I'm like, “This is weird.” So I ripped it open, thinking I'm probably getting some money or something, but instead it’s, “The Social Security office has agreed to send this on our behalf.” It was from an agency from Philadelphia called Catholic Society. And it said, "There is someone who is looking for you. Please contact us.” I was in California. They were in Pennsylvania. It was 3 PM in California when I got this letter. I couldn’t call anybody because they were closed. It was 6 PM over there. So, I was up the whole night wondering, “What is it?” Didn't sleep a wink. I immediately left work and went to my mom's house—the one who raised me—and said, "Here's a letter. This is what I got." And she said, "It's about time."

I always said I wouldn’t go looking for my birth mom, but if she looked for me, I’d be open. And she did. She reached out through the adoption agency after losing her husband. We had to send letters back and forth through the adoption agency so that they could scan the letters, make sure they were appropriate, and they would mail them on. (What an invasion of privacy!) It was standard practice back then because it had been a closed adoption.  We had to do that for six months and we couldn’t even exchange phone numbers.

When they finally said we could exchange phone numbers, we did. We called one another and I flew to Pennsylvania. I took a redeye and we met for lunch. I brought a big book of all my baby pictures because I thought that maybe she would want to see. She had never seen me, not even once, or ever held me. So I took the book and we met and it was like looking in a mirror. It was weird. Same high cheekbones, same nose, even our hand gestures were the same. I hate to say it, but we have the same hips. They're great for birthing babies.

We stayed close for 17 years until she passed away. I did the eulogy at her funeral.

Q: How did your adoptive parents react to you meeting your birth mom?

A: When I first received that letter, she was full-on supportive. “Do it.” My dad had passed already, so she was all, "Yeah, do it. You have to. You'll regret it if you don't search this out.”

I found out later that she was very heartbroken that I didn't invite her to go meet my birth mom. It was a very private thing. I had to do that alone. I didn't even take my husband. He went with me to Pennsylvania for support, but he didn't go to the meeting. She needed to work through that.

Eventually, she did and they actually met and became little writing buddies. They would write back and forth. It was really sweet. They were friends for about a decade.

Q: Your daughter Kenedi is also a surrogate. How did you feel watching her surrogacy journeys?

A: Kenedi was five during my first journey and six when I carried the triplets. That's the one that sparked her interest. She was a little mature for her age, so she understood it. The dads were amazing—they came to visit, took us out, and made my kids feel included. Kenedi remembers that the most. When I was very, very big with the triplets, people would ask, "Are you excited to have a new baby brother or sister?" and she would respond, “They’re triplets and they’re not ours.” People would just go silent. She got a lot of shock value out of it. Back then, no one really knew much about surrogacy.

I was very shocked that she wanted to do it. She had her motivating reasons behind why she wanted to do surrogacy. She had a very easy pregnancy with her son and she was very young. She was 21 when she did her first surrogacy. I was 32. She had social media and she was taking pictures of the belly bump and doing all these little things. She had a blast with it. I was worried when she came home and said, "They're going to transfer one embryo." I went, "My God! No, no! You have to put in extras because you have to make sure it takes, right?" No. Science has caught up. When I did it, you just threw a bunch in: three, four at a time. Now science has gotten so good that it's hard to get two embryos placed inside as a transfer.

Q: How else has surrogacy changed since your days?

A: It’s changed a lot. When I did it, we didn’t have social media. We had to go to in-person support groups. Matching took forever. You had to have your insurance in place. You had to have everything done. And it was all done in person. So, you had to take a day off and go to LA to meet everybody. There were a lot of moving parts. Now it's like, “Get on Zoom at 8 o'clock in the morning or whatever and do your thing.” You can do international surrogacies very easily now.

You have so many choices now. Agencies have been popping up on the corner of every block lately. Sometimes it's too many agencies and you don't know who is going to protect you. I think I'd rather be doing it now, with all the information.

I'm going to be 100% honest with you: we didn't have support from our agencies back then. We just didn't. Now the surrogates are valued. They're respected. They can say if something doesn't feel right and their agency will back them up. I've seen it in Kenedi's case. And now, they have the surrogate community that will be with them and help them through it.

Q: What advice do you have for new surrogates?

A: So you can't go in expecting to have a best friend in your couple or your intended parent. That cannot be on the table.  You are doing this to help someone have a child that they would otherwise not be able to have. You're trying to help them create their family. Go in with that intention. Go in with an open heart. Go in with transparency, respect on both sides, and a relationship will naturally build.

You don't know what it's taken for that couple or that intended parent to get to the point where they've had to turn to surrogacy. There may have been a loss, but they're turning to surrogacy because it's hope. Give them time. If they're a bit overbearing, it's because it's so important to them. Don't take it personally.

Q: Is there a moment from your journeys that really stands out?

A: Definitely the triplets. I was the second surrogate to carry triplets in my agency and it was very, very frowned upon. They wanted us to selectively reduce. They did not want that triplet pregnancy to go through. We fought it tooth and nail. In the contract, it said I had to do whatever they wanted me to do. If there were multiples, because we had no idea if we were getting multiples, they had the right to decide. When we ended up with multiples, they went to a fertility specialist. I went to the top fertility specialist. We came back to the table and brought back very different information. The agency was pushing the couple to reduce. My doctor said, "Triplets are just like twins. You just have to be a little bit more careful. Once you get to quads, it's a little different."  I said, "Okay, we don't have quads, so let's do it." The agency was pushing for reduction because surrogacy was kind of new back then. They needed the outcomes to be good.

I was at the doctor’s office to find out which baby they were going to reduce when I started hemorrhaging. I thought I was losing the entire pregnancy. I was 16 weeks, which is a little late for a reduction. They got me right in and checked. All three heartbeats were still there. The doctor had pressed so hard to try and find where he wanted to go for the reduction that it ruptured a hematoma behind one of the baby's sacks. It was going to rupture anyway, but his pressing with the ultrasound probe made it happen sooner. I stayed in the hospital for two days, but all the babies were fine. The couple called me and said, “We think it’s a sign. Please carry all three.” The weight of all that stress coming off my shoulders was unbelievable.

One of those babies—the one they almost chose to reduce—is now graduating from USC. He just invited me to his graduation in May.

Conclusion

Ellen Smith’s experience as an adoptee and as a surrogate is a powerful reminder that family is not defined by genetics alone—it’s shaped by commitment and love and sometimes with the help of others. Her perspective sheds light on two unique sides of family formation pathways, reminding us that both ways are possible paths to building your family, and that both have changed over time as psychological studies determine that being open about a child’s origin story is beneficial to the child. 

At Tsong Law Group, we understand that every surrogacy and adoption story is unique. Whether you're beginning your own journey, supporting someone else, or simply exploring your options, we’re here to offer guidance, legal clarity, and heartfelt support.

Want to stay informed and inspired? Subscribe to our newsletter for the latest updates, educational resources, and real stories from surrogates, parents, and adoptees. Visit www.tsonglaw.com to learn how we can support you in building your family.

And don’t forget to check out Stop. Sit. Surrogate on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts to hear more voices and conversations about what surrogacy is really like—from the people who’ve lived it. We did an episode with them that you can find here.